In Christ Alone

I have something that I just must share with you. It is a long story, so stick with me :) I know that I rarely talk about God and about faith on this blog, but God has been so much on my mind this week, that I can't help but share about this time in my life. Some of you SweigartSpot readers are not Christians and I ask you to read anyway. If nothing else, I think you'll learn a little more about me and I want to make sure since I am so quiet about my faith that I get a chance at least once to tell you about the most important thing in my life.

I have been a Christian ever since I was a little girl. I can remember my first prayer to God and I was four years old when I asked him to "be in my heart". Although I didn't understand the full ramifications of this childhood decision, I can tell you that I have reaffirmed this faith, and very much tested this faith throughout my entire life.

My childhood was definitely not picture perfect. I've always had really big "Dad" issues. My biological Father is a career criminal. I can remember lying to my friends about the reason why my Dad didn't live with us. My stories ranged from his greatness as a fireman or a police officer. Instead, he sat in the State Penitentiary for robbery, rape, and many other things throughout the years. This absence of a Father was always such a big deal to me. Being an only child until I was 13, I truly missed having a Father.

When I was 12 years old, my Mom married someone from church. The day they were married, I hugged him and called him Dad. I purposed in my heart that he was the Father I had been waiting for and accepted him as such from that day. He was a highly spiritual man and very involved in our church at the time. He was the loudest "Amen'er" in the church and constantly told everyone around him about his faith. However, he was a very conflicted person who never received freedom from his own painful past. He was involved in a terrible car accident during his early twenties which left him in a coma for quite a while as well as very affected for his entire adult life. It didn't take long to realize the affects of a spiritual person who isn't quite living their faith. He was highly abusive (in all ways). Much of this abuse was going on in secret. One day my Mom told me that she was going to divorce him, so I decided to tell her about the secret abuse that had been happening during the three years of their marriage. Immediately she went to the courthouse and I found myself telling police officers what had been happening to me. I eventually ended up testifying in front of a Grand Jury and my Step-Father was sent to serve a 3 month jail sentence. 3 days after he was released from prison, he went into our backyard and shot himself. I was 15 at the time and found myself in a very confusing mess of trying to grieve this person that I loved so much while being so intensely angry about everything he had put our family through.

Years later, I found myself very anti-religion, especially anti-spiritual people who didn't necessarily live what they were preaching. As a result, I saw the same kind of hypocrisy in my own life. I would profess to be a Christian, yet would definitely live like a non-Christian. Also, I found myself very angry at God. I had the same questions many had...why did I go through this, why are children starving, why do you choose to intervene in some people's lives yet you didn't save me from pain? I could never get great answers to these questions. I found myself knowing Christ, yet very very confused, angry, and not feeling like my faith was very substantial.

A couple years ago, I attended a wedding for CJ's cousin. It was a beautiful ceremony and I loved every minute of it...that is until the bride got up to dance with her father. For some reason, this is the one thing that can send me to tears immediately. I looked away, consoled myself, and thought nothing more of it. On the way home from Seattle, I was looking down from the plane at the mountains below. In my mind an old hymn, "On Christ the solid rock I stand" was playing in my head. I thought this was so weird because I hadn't been to church in forever, and certainly hadn't heard that song in years. And that song always meant nothing to me, so it was weird.

Three days later, I attended a conference in Utah by Beth Moore. During the conference, I was questioning how HE could possibly be a loving God. I knew that I was taught that HE was, but how could a loving God stand by as so much injustice and pain was going on in the world? I was convinced that he didn't love me. Beth's message was all about how much He did love me. She said that God said that his love for me was immeasurable, as many stars as were in the sky, that is how much he loved me. The entire message went about proving to me that he did love me. It was amazing. We stood up afterwards for the traditional post message worship and this song was performed. I was so moved and definitely "Standing in the love of Christ" when the song transitioned to "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand". It was amazing! Seriously the feeling I had was indescribable. Beth Moore spoke into the microphone, "He wants to dance with you". Oh my goodness, I was overcome with emotion. I'm not sure if that line meant anything else to anyone else in the room, but to me, it was exactly about the wedding dance I had witnessed weeks prior. It was amazing, but it still didn't answer all of those questions still looming in my head about suffering and God's intervention.

This last weekend, I went to another Beth Moore conference in Boise. It was so cool because it was almost like God picked right up where he left off with me. Over the past couple of years I have continued to struggle with the whys. God answered my whys unequivocally this weekend. I believe that I have a purpose in life and that my purpose will be closely tied to the pains of my past. God is amazing and spoke again to me. Ever since I have just been a different person. During the conference this "In Christ Alone" song was again played. I really can't describe for you how amazing it is to be in a room with 5000 other Christians yet to feel that the entire conference, both conferences were just for me. Amazing! So that is my story. I hope to take you along with me as I struggle and get closer to God. And of all of the silly things I blog about, it was just eating at me to share this one with you!